Third-Graders, Theology, and Independent Thinking

A host of nicely dressed children are assembled in a cold, concrete floored, room whose walls are constructed with equally benumbing cinder-block walls. They chatter away about the latest in third-grader news, commentating on such topics as popular ice cream flavors of the day, and Willy the stupid kid in the first row, and how he doesn't even like ice cream, and Lucy directly behind him, and how hilarious it would be to throw something at her, and how much MORE hilarious it would be if she blamed the kid next to her, and how Willy would probably ruin it by settling the argument, and how much more stupid that would make him. We watch as a middle-aged woman strides to the front of the room; at which the children immediately direct their attention, and grow as quite as can be. "Okay Kids", she begins, "let's start things out with a song." The children lift their voices in unison with a somewhat halfhearted "Yay". "Are you ready?", asks the teacher. "Yes, Mrs. C." comes the equally halfhearted reply from the audience. Mrs. C. then cups her hand to her ear and repeats the question- "I cant hear you- Are you ready?" At which the children erupt into an astounding chorus of thunderous "YES"-es. You see, this time, Mrs. C. holds, in her free hand, a bag of candy. "What song shall we sing?". The children thrust their arms upward in a spasmodic, tendon rendering fashion, and squeal with utmost anxiety- "OOH-OOH, Mrs. C!!!", and some, growing impatient with the passing seconds, completely defeat the purpose of even raising their hands by shouting their desired selection. Mrs. C. directs her gaze toward Willy, whose hand reluctantly and jerkily lifts to his slouched shoulder. "Yes Willy?" asks teacher, as quietly and soothingly as a breeze crossing a springtime meadow. Willy blushes and replies meekly- "I like 'Walk the Bible Way'." The teacher looks pleased- "Excellent choice Willy". This statement causes quite a bit of murmuring among the other attendees as they are quite certain that this would be impossible- what with Willy being stupid and all. "Here we go-" begins Mrs. C., and the children join...

Walk, walk, walk the Bible way

Read your Bible daily

Don't forget to pray

Walk, walk, walk the bible way, read your Bible every day

Smoking Drinking Fistfight and Dirty Talk

Jesus says 'No-no don't do it!'

Walk, walk, walk the bible way, read your Bible every day.

Yes, dear reader, we find ourselves in sunday school. The teacher ends the song with a- "Good job everyone", and proceeds to hand out candy to the "Best (most enthusiastic) Singers", after which she returns to the front of the classroom to be thoroughly startled by "Grumpy Bear" who peeked around the corner halfway through the song and began a journey to the podium with the intention of making off with the candy, much to our dismay. Try as they may though, the children are unable to alert Mrs. C. to this during the song. Grumpy Bear is just making his way around the corner with our precious candy, when he is apprehended by the returning Mrs. C., who, much to our delight, gives him a good whoppin' with an enormous a frying pan whose origin is enshrouded in mystery, and the subject of a considerable amount of dispute. All the children cringe and cheer with each entirely fake blow from the pan. All that is, except for me. Yes, that's right, I'm one of the students. See, right there next to Willy; his only friend. I am still dwelling on the song. "Jesus says 'don't do it' " says I to myself. "Has he really, or is that just what you say?" My thinking is interrupted by a cry of "No!" from my fellow students as they have just been asked if Grumpy bear should get a spanking for having a bad attitude. "Jesus hasn't said anything to me" I continue, "Come to think of it, I haven't even seen Jesus; that's troubling." Grumpy bear begins a long heartfelt apology to Mrs. C. "But that's just Faith I suppose, believing in something you can't see." methinks. "So many unanswerable questions in this world" as I wave goodbye to Grumpy Bear and smile at Willy, who seems deeply moved by Grumpy Bear's performance. "Oh well, when I get older I'll understand.".... Well, I'm older now, and have found that not only do most of my questions remain unanswered, but they have multiplied, each question giving way to more, in a devastating chain-reaction of uncertainty. I have been taught that, as a Christian, I am to base my beliefs on Scripture, and all of our standards have their origins in The Bible. On the other hand, I have found that, some of these standards which are so fervently supported by those with influence over me are troublesome; sometimes impossible to directly compare with scripture. Could it be that some of these regulations were placed by individuals who simply assumed that the matter which they (the regulations) concerned was immoral based on personal belief rather than scripture? If so, why enforce this on other individuals? It is possible that this practice is done with every good intention; it is also possible that this is simple hypocrisy. There is a category in which these rules that are based on personal preference lie; it is called "Legalism". Recently, there has been much dispute as to what exactly the definition of Legalism is. Not long ago, I heard a certain individual criticizing those who use the word in the context mentioned above, stating that it's true definition concerns salvation. His argument was that the word "Legalism" is really used to define one's belief that salvation is achieved through "works" rather than Faith is Jesus Christ. I was quite taken by this remark, and got right down to that dirty eleven-letter word: researching. I found that, this (the definition concerning salvation) is, in its raw form, the true definition. However, only in the most intensely technical sense, you see. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines Legalism as: "An excessive adherence to law or formula." and, in the Theological sense, "Dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith." Notice that it does not say: "Dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith for salvation". Rather, we are to assume that it means dependence on these things in general. So, one who practices legalism in this sense is one whom we could call a legalist. I find it interesting that these individuals have a habit of boasting about the fact that they interpret the Bible "literally", and saying this is how it should be. However these same individuals often will defend their personal views, if they are challenged with scripture, by saying such things as: "Well, that's not really what it means.", and, "If you understood the Greek meaning of that word...", and so on. That just really irks me. When a legalist comes across some scripture he does not like, he will say that: "If you look at the Greek meaning of that word you will see that it can mean several things...", and then he will go on to choose the definition which best suits his personal beliefs. It is true, many Greek words have several definitions, but the translators who wrote the Bible did not see these words and interpret them literally, or, word for word if you will- Of course they didn't! The Bible as we know it would be absolute gibberish! Rather, these Scribes understood what the ancient texts meant ideologically, and translated them into English, choosing the right words to best convey what the original author was saying.

I have found that much of my life has been plagued by these legalists, and there are many privileges that I have been denied as a result of which. For instance- I have never been to a Movie Theater. Seriously. "Why," you must say, "that's ridiculous!". And it may be, but that's the rule. I have never been on a date. Seriously. "That's stupid too!" You probably cry. And that may be, but it's the rule. The most secular our music becomes, is during Christmas-time, when we listen to Dean Martin. Seriously. By now you must be weeping in disgust as you find these things preposterous, and they may be, but these, my friends, are the rules. Much of my life has been sheltered beneath a veil of controlling individuals who quickly extinguished any sign of free will or personal opinion (besides their own). It was not until recently that it first dawned on me, but I had never questioned any of these rules. The thought had simply not crossed my mind. But now I am aware that this, our ability to think for ourselves; our capacity for independent thought, is what separates us from the Gorillas.

All my life I have been blindly accepting whatever I was told, without even the slightest amount of forethought! I have decided to try and write about some of these controversial issues (that is, if I survive the ensuing pandemonium and uproar of infuriated legalists who may read or otherwise hear about this). I plan to look at these issues objectively, having researched them thoroughly. Speaking of research, it may be interesting to note that legalists often do little to no objective research; they rarely appreciate what they find...

This Man's Army

As you may have gathered in reading a previous post of mine, I am not very fond of these silly songs we sang in sunday school as children. The primary reason for this is that most (if not all) the songs we sang involved hand motions. Now of course there's nothing wrong with a little bitta' that here an' there, but apparently that's the only thing capable of getting youngsters involved in a song service. There were such favorites as "Sunshine Mountain", and "Jesus Loves me", in which we would pretend to climb, or, in the latter case, we would use sign language as we sang. These weren't so bad I suppose. Then there were others, like "Father Abraham" which had no spiritual application whatsoever, and started with an innocent waving of ones arm to and fro, and gradually spread to each of the limbs and head with each verse, escalating into a despicable routine of one waving ones limbs about, nodding ones head up and down, and turning in circles; all the while trying to sing the same song that got them into this predicament over the period of fifteen minutes. Such songs I despised for several reasons - Firstly, they rarely seemed (to me) to carry any spiritual value, defeating the purpose of going to church. Nextly, they were very loud. I was not fond of loud. Not even a teeny bit. In fact, my greatest fear as a child was not the monster in the closet, but rather the vacuum. That vacuum could put a whoopin' on that monsters afterquarters. Because it was loud. Excessively so. Come to think of it, I still loath vacuums. Eitherhoo, back to the song service. Ah, my reasons for hating the songs- The last and most important reason is as mentioned earlier, the inclusion of hand motions in these songs. Why, you may ask? The answer is simple. ...Well perhaps not quite so simple as you would hope, but simple by my standards. You see, these hand motions were often quite complex and me- well I'm afraid I'm just not very coordinated. Quite the opposite. In fact it would almost be safe to say that I am- NOT -coordinated. At all. So here is me, who can barely think and breath at the same time, trying to wave my arms around, nod my head, and turn in circles, all without killing someone. It was simply humiliating. I didn't go to church to catch up on my Yoga, heck no! There was, however, one very special song involving such mime techniques that I rather enjoyed. This song was, in my eyes, a way of getting back at all my ignorant narrow minded companions. How you ask? Because the song involved Martial phraseology, that's how! It was the perfect opportunity for me to display my vast knowledge of history and all things military! These jokers would look like imbeciles, while I, much to their dismay, perfectly executed military procedure! The name of the song was- "The Lord's Army". The words an actions to the verse go something like this:

I may never march in the Infantry

(While marching in place)

Ride in the Cavalry

(While galloping on a virtual horse)

Shoot the artillery

(We were to smack our hands together leaving one to continue onward, indicating the trajectory of our projectile)

I may never fly 'oer the Enemy

(With arms outspread, of course, indicating the wings of an aircraft)

But I'm in the Lord's Army -Yes Sir!

(and we would pull a salute)

Now, here is where I got my revenge. You see, I had at my disposal a certain fifteen hour documentary of World War Two Footage with Walter Cronkite, which I watched whenever given the opportunity. Hence there was nothing I did not know when it came to military procedure. So while these chums are pulling off their cheesy antics, I can totally OWN them with my (drum roll) "HISTORICALLY ACCURATE VERSION" (yes I even named it). It went like this:

"I may never march in the Infantry"

(Instead of simply marching like some pansy boy scout, I, being the young idealistic Fascist that I was, would do the goose step. In place. Honestly.)

"Ride in the Cavalry"

(Rather than gallop away in a disorderly fashion as everyone else, I was busy staying my mount and gathering the reins, keeping him calm in all the confusion while waiting for the order to charge.)

"Shoot the artillery"

(While the others smacked their hands together, I shielded my ear with my free hand and turned my head a way from the virtual blast that followed my yanking the firing cable thing.)

"I may never fly 'oer the Enemy"

(Now everybody knows that you don't spread your "wings" when you fly, but, when your on your way to bomb the shiitake outta the enemy, you must have a navigator on your crew. So I filled that role, tracing waypoints on a virtual chart with a virtual marker and yardstick.)

"But I'm in the Lord's Army -Yes Sir!"

(During which I would replace "Yes Sir" with a hearty "SIEG HIEL!!!", and outstretch my downturned palm in a "German" salute, cause those look way cooler.)

Needless to say, my version didn't quite have the effect which I had anticipated. Rather, people just kinda looked at me funny. Come to think of it, much of my life has been just that- people looking at me funny. Ah well, sooner or later folks will wise up and figure that I just know everything. Then they won't be laughin' will they?!!! Any minute now...