This Man's Army

As you may have gathered in reading a previous post of mine, I am not very fond of these silly songs we sang in sunday school as children. The primary reason for this is that most (if not all) the songs we sang involved hand motions. Now of course there's nothing wrong with a little bitta' that here an' there, but apparently that's the only thing capable of getting youngsters involved in a song service. There were such favorites as "Sunshine Mountain", and "Jesus Loves me", in which we would pretend to climb, or, in the latter case, we would use sign language as we sang. These weren't so bad I suppose. Then there were others, like "Father Abraham" which had no spiritual application whatsoever, and started with an innocent waving of ones arm to and fro, and gradually spread to each of the limbs and head with each verse, escalating into a despicable routine of one waving ones limbs about, nodding ones head up and down, and turning in circles; all the while trying to sing the same song that got them into this predicament over the period of fifteen minutes. Such songs I despised for several reasons - Firstly, they rarely seemed (to me) to carry any spiritual value, defeating the purpose of going to church. Nextly, they were very loud. I was not fond of loud. Not even a teeny bit. In fact, my greatest fear as a child was not the monster in the closet, but rather the vacuum. That vacuum could put a whoopin' on that monsters afterquarters. Because it was loud. Excessively so. Come to think of it, I still loath vacuums. Eitherhoo, back to the song service. Ah, my reasons for hating the songs- The last and most important reason is as mentioned earlier, the inclusion of hand motions in these songs. Why, you may ask? The answer is simple. ...Well perhaps not quite so simple as you would hope, but simple by my standards. You see, these hand motions were often quite complex and me- well I'm afraid I'm just not very coordinated. Quite the opposite. In fact it would almost be safe to say that I am- NOT -coordinated. At all. So here is me, who can barely think and breath at the same time, trying to wave my arms around, nod my head, and turn in circles, all without killing someone. It was simply humiliating. I didn't go to church to catch up on my Yoga, heck no! There was, however, one very special song involving such mime techniques that I rather enjoyed. This song was, in my eyes, a way of getting back at all my ignorant narrow minded companions. How you ask? Because the song involved Martial phraseology, that's how! It was the perfect opportunity for me to display my vast knowledge of history and all things military! These jokers would look like imbeciles, while I, much to their dismay, perfectly executed military procedure! The name of the song was- "The Lord's Army". The words an actions to the verse go something like this:

I may never march in the Infantry

(While marching in place)

Ride in the Cavalry

(While galloping on a virtual horse)

Shoot the artillery

(We were to smack our hands together leaving one to continue onward, indicating the trajectory of our projectile)

I may never fly 'oer the Enemy

(With arms outspread, of course, indicating the wings of an aircraft)

But I'm in the Lord's Army -Yes Sir!

(and we would pull a salute)

Now, here is where I got my revenge. You see, I had at my disposal a certain fifteen hour documentary of World War Two Footage with Walter Cronkite, which I watched whenever given the opportunity. Hence there was nothing I did not know when it came to military procedure. So while these chums are pulling off their cheesy antics, I can totally OWN them with my (drum roll) "HISTORICALLY ACCURATE VERSION" (yes I even named it). It went like this:

"I may never march in the Infantry"

(Instead of simply marching like some pansy boy scout, I, being the young idealistic Fascist that I was, would do the goose step. In place. Honestly.)

"Ride in the Cavalry"

(Rather than gallop away in a disorderly fashion as everyone else, I was busy staying my mount and gathering the reins, keeping him calm in all the confusion while waiting for the order to charge.)

"Shoot the artillery"

(While the others smacked their hands together, I shielded my ear with my free hand and turned my head a way from the virtual blast that followed my yanking the firing cable thing.)

"I may never fly 'oer the Enemy"

(Now everybody knows that you don't spread your "wings" when you fly, but, when your on your way to bomb the shiitake outta the enemy, you must have a navigator on your crew. So I filled that role, tracing waypoints on a virtual chart with a virtual marker and yardstick.)

"But I'm in the Lord's Army -Yes Sir!"

(During which I would replace "Yes Sir" with a hearty "SIEG HIEL!!!", and outstretch my downturned palm in a "German" salute, cause those look way cooler.)

Needless to say, my version didn't quite have the effect which I had anticipated. Rather, people just kinda looked at me funny. Come to think of it, much of my life has been just that- people looking at me funny. Ah well, sooner or later folks will wise up and figure that I just know everything. Then they won't be laughin' will they?!!! Any minute now...