Devious Dudes Indeed

Have you read the post "The New and Improved Dysfunctional School" about my school? If so, you will recall my remarks about Gym class and its everlasting significance in our school. I was genuinely shocked to see that they actually shortened Gym to one half our, as it was, in previous years, two hours long on certain of our seven hour days. Seriously.

This absurd act of abbreviating Gym class was, however, short lived. It was announced last week that, due to the fact that students were "suffering from an inability to complete their homework as a result insufficient class time", school would be.....exteeeeended....for an extra fifteen minutes. Now, pray tell, what difference does it make if your homework is done at school, or at home? Let's just pretend for a moment that it does. Do you think "The Administration" did indeed give us a fifteen minute "study hall" in which to do our homework? Of course not. What to you think they did instead- hmm? GYM!!! SURPRISE!!!

And, as if that's not enough, our Bible teacher, who is also our Gym teacher, recently took sick. Normally, when this sort of thing happens, the school will send for a sub teacher to teach in the stead of the absent teacher. Perfectly understandable right? Wrong. You see, rather, we skip Bible class altogether and instead begin our next class, leaving an entire extra hour on our schedule. Do you suppose that this "open" is given us to increase our study time? Of course not- blasphemy! What, do you think we do instead? GYM!!! HURRAY!!! This is understood as proper procedure in the instance of said teachers absence.

Now, don't get me wrong. Is there anything wrong with Gym class? Absolutely not. BUT, when you extend school solely for the purpose of extending Gym, and tell the parents that your intention is to increase study time, I say you may be a tad deceitful. And, don't you find it a bit strange that one would skip Bible and replace it with Gym in a Christian School?

Faith, Folly, and Flying Chairs

What is Church? Generally, when we refer to such, we mean a group of Christians, who have gathered to worship, or a building to do so in. My church, for the most part, fills that description.

Indeed, it does so quite well, that is, until the Wednesday night service rolls around. You see, during this service, the Teenagers are separated from the Adults, and attend their own meeting, hosted by the Youth Pastor, in the "Old Church Building". Order of Events- perhaps I should leave it at events, there is no order- are as follows:

1 Singing of Songs. I know exactly what you're thinking-"Oh, Amazing Grace, and Come Thou Fount" right? Wrong. You see, singing ordinary songs would be to.... well, ordinary! We couldn't have that! Rather, we sing the songs of old, and by that, I mean Sunday School. And not Jesus Loves Me either, these songs must be violent. I think of one in particular, called I've Got a River of Life. It goes something like this-

I've got a river of life flowing out of me

Makes the lame to walk and the blind to see

Opens prison doors, set's the captive free

I've got a river of life flowing out of me

Chorus:

Spring up the well

(And here you make cute little hand motions and "goosh-goosh" noises, indicating your are retrieving water from a well)

In my soul

Spring up the well

(More amusing hand motions, and "splish-splash" sounds)

And make me whole

Spring up the well

(Now here is where things get interesting. You are supposed to say "whoosh!", and throw your arms open wide, indicating a torrent of "Holy Water", or something. Now, as small minds are easily amused, it became customary for us to, in swinging our arms, smack the person on each side of us in the chest. Time went by, and now, no one even bothers to say "whoosh!". What happens next is hard to explain. As soon as the last line you read is sung, a reenactment of Armageddon takes place. There is a flurry of motion, a voice like unto many waters,(or new seventh graders screaming in terror), and critical mass is achieved. Twisted, superheated chairs go flying through the air, pens, and pencils take on the role of shrapnel, bystanders are disemboweled by Hymn books traveling at Mach 7+, and seventh graders go careening through the windows. I am dead serious. You see, we no longer just smack each other in the chest, rather, mosh occurs. This little escapade lasts for about five minutes, and the survivors reassemble.)

And give to me

That life eternally

2 The Message is given

Attack of the TEA Tank

Remember my comment in The Ever Notorious Tigger Tank post about the English and their very scary tea tank? Well it turns out, I may very well have said B.S, Tank! It has come to my attention that the English have, with all their wisdom. (Are you ready for this?)- banned Michael Savage from entering Britain. I just have one question: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!!! Come on, BAN THE GUY because he speaks out against your crumbling Communist society? I can understand trying to argue your point on TV or something, like normal people do when they are challenged, but.....BAN THE GUY? How about Bill Ayers, a known terrorist, did they ban him? No, he supports their Communist Ideology. How about Michael Jackson, a pedophile? Of course not, he endorsed their immoral philosophy. I can understand the banishment of such people as Erich Gleibe, Fred Phelps, and Abdul Musa, all terrorists, Nazi's, or wackies in some way or another.

But a radio talk show host? I did some looking into this matter and found that UK home secretary, Jacqui Smith stated that Michael Savage was banned due to the fact that he is "considered to be engaging in unacceptable behaviour by seeking to provoke others to serious criminal acts and fostering hatred which might lead to inter-community violence". Serious Criminal Acts?!! May I ask what these EEENGLEESH types define as a criminal act besides allowing people to posses and defend moral personal freedoms? Mrs. Smith, if you see Mr. Savage as a threat because he endorses principles our country was founded on, namely freedom and pursuit of prosperity, perhaps we should have let the Germans run your afterquarters into the ground during the First and Second World Wars. When one speaks out against you and you cannot simply argue your case intelligently, as is customary among civilized peoples, perhaps you are afraid of something. I think that something is the ability of your people to sense what is good, and right, and you can lie to them and brainwash them all you want, but an Englishman's sense of good will not be snuffed out, and sooner or later they will catch on. I think you are afraid there may be another Winston Churchill among you. Mrs. Smith, I hereby ban you from my country, the U.S.A. because you are an imbecile. Isaac out.

The Ever Notorious Tigger Tank

Often, people are interested in various cultures for what they represent. For instance, what comes instantly to mind when one says - Latino: tacos, sombreros, and of course Zoro.

How about French? Mustachioed, beanie wearing men who have a tendency towards their feminine side, nude statues, and that tall pointy tower that looks slightly drafty.

You may be surprised, but I am drawn towards the cultural history of the Germanic peoples. Why is this? They can't cook, they can't draw, and singing isn't quite their thing. It would seem that all they excel in is producing high grade cars, cranes, and cuckoo-clocks. That, and of course, waging wars... and there is your answer.

The Germans are, (I should say were) as we know, a warring people who seem to fight incessantly. Before the capitulation of Germany in 1945, it could almost be certain that whenever the Western World saw a conflict, the Germans would show up, upsetting their opposition with less than politically correct behavior - and awesome innovative equipment. Since ancient times, they were known for devising nasty looking contraptions solely for the purpose of disemboweling something or another, and this tradition they carried with them throughout the history of Europe. By the time WWII rolled around the Germans had quite a handful of military engineers at their disposal who got right down to the business of devising clever apparatuses with which to, of course, disembowel people in some way or another. Here's what I mean - take any WWII action movie or video game, and it will be hard to find one in which there is not at least one scene or level where someone goes - "...(gasp!).. TIGER TANK !", and then the whole world goes crazy, and it's up to good ol' Tom Hanks to save the day. Now, here's my point: do you suppose the French could devise a weapon worthy of a name such as Tiger Tank? I dare say not. Perhaps a TIGGER, or a TEDDY Tank, but who would that scare? More Frenchies I suppose. How about the English?- "Everybody run, it's a TEA Tank" right? (Of course it would seem that the French and English were equally incapable of committing Genocide and other heinous acts, but thats a different story.) Genocide aside, everyone likes a fighter, the way we marvel at a cobra, stalking less capable prey, but in the same fashion, and more so, we admire the mongoose- likewise a fighter; defeater of the mighty cobra, in the name of good. Mongoose = U.S.A. Cobra = Militarist Dictatorships bent on world domination. We marvel at both, support only one. Many would suggest we pull the teeth from the Mongoose in the name of peace, but no matter how nice you make a mongoose, there will always be cobras, and a good cobras first target would be a mongoose without teeth.

The NEW and IMPROVED Dysfunctional School

I attend a certain private school whose name I will not mention out of respect for which, and my heinee. My schoolmates, with few exceptions, are hopelessly dysfunctional. I will give an example: as a generally accepted rule, all flirting must be mindless, and hushed tones are completely out of the question as, we all know, screaming and jumping about is the best way into the heart of a woman. Debates of any kind are to be dealt with in the same manner, no logic or pragmatism may be applied, just screaming. That'll settle any argument. It's crazy really.

In times past, all classes were traditional, with teachers and what not. Later when personal schedules and cost of tuition became an issue, we averted to the curriculum "School of Tomorrow", more commonly known as "PACE", a system in which one is self taught, no teachers, just books. This, however, despite its many advantages, proved to possess various shortcomings. But this is the year '09! New ideas have been considered, and one, proved...err...good.(?) We are learning via a new concept from Pensacola Christian Academy in Florida. And So, School is great this year as we have adapted a new curriculum- A Beka- or whatever. All the classes are on DVD and can be fast-forwarded. Positive mark. The geniuses at Pensacola have deemed it necessary to provide me with a set of seventy-eight books of ginormous proportions for each of my thirty-something classes, forcing me to carry three Amazon rain forests worth of paper home in my backpack every night. Negative marks there. Students are suffering from with-drawl symptoms due to the sudden lack sufficient Gym-classes-we're down to three a week instead of nine. They're shorter too, a miniscule half hour as opposed to the previously accepted two hrs/class. Positive mark for me. It seems a new concept: this silly studying behavior as opposed to colliding with one another 24/7 but we'll get the hang of it.
Oh yeah, several old Macintosh computers were donated to our school.
Yes, the immensely interesting albeit noisy speech functions included. Coincidentally, Brother Gavin, our principal, has been experiencing a heightened rate of hair loss... Positive Mark.

Diary of Disconcertion

Let me begin this, my very first post, by giving you, (certainly an unfortunate soul to have stumbled upon a manifestation of the cooky confines of my less than normal thought process), a brief summary of what exactly my blog will concern, and what has brought me to bother with such.

Firstly, let me explain the less than politically correct title, and in doing so, the theme of my blog. It is a perfect representation of the content that this page will be composed of, in that it is completely random. I have no one topic of which I wish to write. Included will be current events, world wide, or in my life, (not that I have one, heck, I'm writing a BLOG for Bonds sake!) political, spiritual, it doesn't matter, and my personal philosophy on such. You will encounter innumerable spelling and grammatticall errors, for which I am sorry but I cannot, of course, be held responsible for my own mistakes and will gladly blame the first to volunteer.

Now to explain my purpose in writing this blog. I am not in any way athletic, nor am I skilled in the numbers. Can't draw - can't sing to any considerable degree - poetry is a hassle, and anything mechanical is Icelandic to me. The only activity which requires any considerable amount of voluntary effort to accomplish that I enjoy participating in is creative writing. A friend of mine, seeing this, informed me of the whole "Blog" thing, and recommended it. So here I am. I am not, as you should have perceived by this time, a very serious person, and suffer from an unshakable habit of using heavy elements of satire, sarcasm, and randomosity which, unless I am mistaken, isn't even a word, but let's continue. In my postings, I hope to entertain you. This is my only goal. I think. Please enjoy.