The NEW and IMPROVED Dysfunctional School

I attend a certain private school whose name I will not mention out of respect for which, and my heinee. My schoolmates, with few exceptions, are hopelessly dysfunctional. I will give an example: as a generally accepted rule, all flirting must be mindless, and hushed tones are completely out of the question as, we all know, screaming and jumping about is the best way into the heart of a woman. Debates of any kind are to be dealt with in the same manner, no logic or pragmatism may be applied, just screaming. That'll settle any argument. It's crazy really.

In times past, all classes were traditional, with teachers and what not. Later when personal schedules and cost of tuition became an issue, we averted to the curriculum "School of Tomorrow", more commonly known as "PACE", a system in which one is self taught, no teachers, just books. This, however, despite its many advantages, proved to possess various shortcomings. But this is the year '09! New ideas have been considered, and one, proved...err...good.(?) We are learning via a new concept from Pensacola Christian Academy in Florida. And So, School is great this year as we have adapted a new curriculum- A Beka- or whatever. All the classes are on DVD and can be fast-forwarded. Positive mark. The geniuses at Pensacola have deemed it necessary to provide me with a set of seventy-eight books of ginormous proportions for each of my thirty-something classes, forcing me to carry three Amazon rain forests worth of paper home in my backpack every night. Negative marks there. Students are suffering from with-drawl symptoms due to the sudden lack sufficient Gym-classes-we're down to three a week instead of nine. They're shorter too, a miniscule half hour as opposed to the previously accepted two hrs/class. Positive mark for me. It seems a new concept: this silly studying behavior as opposed to colliding with one another 24/7 but we'll get the hang of it.
Oh yeah, several old Macintosh computers were donated to our school.
Yes, the immensely interesting albeit noisy speech functions included. Coincidentally, Brother Gavin, our principal, has been experiencing a heightened rate of hair loss... Positive Mark.